The Risks of Love

So I guess no one reads this anymore. Serves me right for taking forever to write. I still read Faye's blog and check on Carrera's every once in a while.

So yeah, I am at work right now. I hate it when it is my turn to work the weekend, but it is the easiest time to work. As of this moment, none of the members (clients) are here and I am by myself surfing the net... and getting paid for it.

There is a lot and nothing going on in my life. Derek and I are finally dating, and we are having non stop fun together. I see him almost every day and I am tired all of the time because I never want to go home or for him to go home. It is totally worth it. I think I wondered into my house at about 5am last night. Yikes! Good thing my parents trust me.

I am happy with our relationship, but also a little scared about it. He wants to date other people before he decides whether he is in love with me and wants to commit. Yet, he is only dating me at the moment. Part of me wants to break it off and let him date other people so he can get it over with, and realize that I am the best thing he has ever had and that he wants me to be his for eternity. There is some risk involved in that of course, because what if it ends up that I am not the best thing. Another part of me wants to just hold on to him for dear life, and let the relationship get deeper and deeper until he just marries me. That would probably work, but then he doesn't get that experience of dating other people like he wants to. I think I would rather that he married someone else than get married to me and wonder for eternity whether I was the right one, and worse have an affair.

The problem is that I know what I want. I want him and I am so done with dating other people. If he dates, that would probably mean that I would have to too. I wouldn't want to just sit around waiting for him to choose me, because what if he doesn't. Then I will have to start all over again. I'm tired of the dating game.

But then again, how long do I let this go on? Our relationship is getting deeper and deeper by the day, which will make it harder and harder to break off, if that is what we choose to do. Then, if he does date other people then chooses to be with me, how long is that going to take?

Some say I should move on, and forget it. Some say I should just hold on to him. Some say I should go on a double date with him, meaning my date and me, and his date and him. That would be too weird I think. Some say that I should set him up on dates that are doomed to fail. I don't know what I should do, but probably not those last two.

I am pretty confident that he and I could end up together. It is just the getting to that point and taking the risks of loosing him that are hard for me. I have so much love for him, and I want him to be happy and have what he wants. If that means a different woman, I guess that is worth his happiness. I will find happiness else where if that is what is supposed to happen. But if he wants to be with me for eternity, I will make him the happiest man on this earth.